My self love healing journey got it's swift jump start after my ex fiancé decided to end our twelve year relationship. Needless to say like so many that have had their hearts broken, I was devastated and utterly shattered. There were other major factors happening as well that made this break up even worse. Four months prior I used my entire savings to open a cute little cosmetic boutique , meaning I had no income coming in at all. So I had to leave the home we designed and built together, find a place to commit to (he was kind enough to pay my rent for the year) without knowing what my future held. I worked multiple random jobs for two years to try to get back on my feet - still rebuilding thirteen years later , but at least now I only have my business and one other job (always look for the blessing).
At the time, going through all this, I honestly never thought I would stop crying. It was all I did. I became that girl everyone ran away from because all I wanted to do was talk about him and how much I loved him. I became unrecognizable, even to myself. I was, in fact, pathetic.
I decided to seek counseling both traditional and spiritual styles to try to heal. In the beginning I sat with the therapists and cried never understanding the "why's" of how this all happened to us, my relationship. I never tried to rush the process and I sat with my pain, alone, I did not rush out to meet anyone to mask the pain , my heart wasn't ready and I knew I never wanted to be in this place again. So I healed, slowly, at my pace re-learning who I was (the parts I lost ) and who I was without him or "us" I gave up my entire identity to be with him. I left the state I lived in, my friends, I gave up my career in fashion design I made him my entire world.
When I started being honest with my higher self and took long hard looks at myself and the relationship I was in, I realized a lot. There were cracks in our relationship, I knew it while I was in the relationship but just kept brushing it aside and making excuses "because I loved him".
The more I looked "into" the relationship I could clearly see now all of the signs were always there but I wasn't ready to acknowledge them at that time, but I know now that it wasn't a healthy relationship and that it wasn't good for me either.
I learned that I was accepting of his behaviors because it was familiar to me. I did not have a healthy relationship with my mother and my relationship with my ex was the same relationship I had with my mother repeated, because I never healed that relationship from my childhood. I learned that my ex was brought to me by the universe to heal that trauma and the abandonment issues and the lack of self worth that I had incurred by not having a loving mother.
It wasn't the unhealthy relationship that healed me it was the break up that did. I wasn't going to heal in the relationship, it took all of that fear and pain of the break up to do it. I knew I was the common denominator in my unsuccessful relationships so I had to take ownership of my bad choices.
While it has been thirteen years and I truly am still rebuilding my life, I am back tenfold. I KNOW my worth. I do not have abandonment issues any longer, if someone doesn't value me and wants to leave, leave. I know relationships, friends, and situations all come in to teach us something and when that cycle is complete those things fade out of your life, and I've learned to accept and be okay with that. When you let those things that the universe wants you to let go of go, something better will come into your life at the timing of the universe.
The universe will give you several, kind warnings (what I like to call taps) that will get stronger when the higher ups are trying to communicate to let that go, to move on if they are not good for you. They will do this to get you to listen, (pay attention to those voices inside you are ignoring), to give you time to make the changes- hear me loud and clear here - if you do not listen to the universal warning signs they will dump your whole life upside down to make it happen. Just like what they did to me.
The universe is on your side, so learn to trust in what is happening because the uncomfortable is just preparing you for the the gift they have instore for you. Do the work, learn the lesson, heal yourself.
My self love journey, as hard as it has been, was the largest blessing I have ever been gifted. My self worth is priceless and nothing will ever have a chance to take it away again or make me doubt who I am or who I am meant to be.
xx,
Laura
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